Oh My God, You're So Funny!!!

People, generally middle-aged men, will tell you the same joke over and over.  It's like they all get together and say, "alright fellas time to drive the young women of this world crazy, here are your lines".

When they walk through the door, "We've got a party of eighty-five coming in."
Usually I give it back to them and say, "oh okay, I think we can fit you out on the patio."
"You have a patio?"
"No, no we dont."
"Oh, well its just the two of us."
"Right this way." Smile

On the menu, we have smothered chicken: "So do you smother the chicken yourself?" AH HAHAHA
      "Yes I do, and I enjoy it" Smile.
Battered Fries: "So do you batter the fries yourself?" AH HAHAHA
      "Everyday.  I just batter the crap out of them" Smile.
Campfire sourdough bread: "Is it really done over a campfire?"
      "Sure is.  We employ boy scouts, and even though it's against the law to make them work that young, we           figure if we don't pay them its not like they're real employees. They're just playing with fire." Smile.

Sometimes they think it is funny and sometimes they look put off.  Here is the thing.  I'm a feisty bitch, and given a chance, I'll take it.  Don't dish it out if you can't take a joke.

Need I remind you? We make 2.13 an hour!

Servers make 2.13 an hour.  That means that you need to make up for our cheap ass employers by tipping us.  20% is a good tip.  15% is okay.  That means to me that I did an okay job but was not very personable.  10% is unacceptable, and anything less is just rude.  Bad service happens.  I know this.  I work with a few bad servers.  However, when a table raves to you about how awesome you are then leaves you 15%, that says one thing.  CHEAP-ASS! Look, you can rave about me all you want, but at the end of the day, I'm concerned about how much money I make.  Would you do your job for three quarters of what you deserve to make just because your boss tells you you're awesome every day? No.  Don't lie to me, you wouldn't do it, and we both know it.  Pony up the dough people.  Servers work really really hard and we have to put with an insane amount of bullshit.  Make it worth our while.

Beneigts (ben-YAYS)

I work in a restaurant that unfortunately serves brunch.  Brunch is the seventh circle of hell in a normal restaurant.  It is awful.  Largely it is due to the patrons that enjoy Sunday brunch.  Most are normal, but the restaurant I work in is casual-fine dining so since brunch is the cheap meal, we also get everyone who can't afford to eat there for any other meal.

I had a table of seven one brunch who, when I approached the table with my cheery greeting, looked at me as if I had three heads.  I proceeded to ask them for their drink order, to which they mostly replied "water".  I brought their drinks and took their order.  The woman on the end had ordered eggs benedict, and then asked me for "a side of bah-nayz".  I didn't understand her, so I repeated back, "a side of bearnaise?" and she stared at me blankly so I chose not to explain the difference between hollandaise and bearnaise.  I brought their food out and they said everything looked fine (I brought her side of bearnaise too).  When I checked back a few minutes later, she asked me for the bah-nayz and I pointed to the bearnaise, saying "bearnaise sauce right?" to which she said "no, BAH-NAYZ".  I looked around the table for some help understanding and it hit me.  "Oh, you'd like an order of BENEIGTS! I'll have those right out for you".  They left me four dollars on eighty-five.  Morons.  People, if you don't know how to say something, point at the menu, or maybe describe what you want.  As servers, we're pretty awesome, but we don't read minds, and you can't assume I've ever had someone asking for bah-nayz before when they meant beneigts.