Well earrings go farther than a tip, right? WRONG.

Last night a guest left me earrings instead of a tip. Cheap shit too. It gets better. Not only did she leave earrings, but she actually left her table to come find me to give them to me. She said, when she tracked me down, "I always leave earrings for my female servers. I feel like it is a nice things to do since earrings will last longer than a tip anyway." Are you f*cking kidding me? So when I'm short on rent, I'll just give them to my landlord and say, "well I figured you'd appreciate this more than money". Uh no, that doesn't fly. Obviously. I was speechless. I just stared as she explained that they are stainless steel and real pearls. Bullshit. I have been making jewelry for fifteen years and I know what that looks like. If I wanted earrings I would make some, or buy some. I certainly wouldn't work a shift in the restaurant just hoping and praying for some cheap asses to walk in with some earrings to give me instead of money. Next time lady just pony up the dough and keep your earrings.

Overly Cheerful Servers... ew...

I work with a girl who actually sickens me.  I found myself listening to her sell someone dessert one night and I thought I was going to vomit.  People, you understand when you're being spoken to as though you were a slow five year old, correct?  Her voice was sugary sweet as she said, "now I know you saved room for a triple chocolate fudge sundae, or maybe our homemade apple cobbler...".  After the table declined, she proceeded to say, "are you sure? Our desserts are famous, they are sooooooo delicious!" At this point I caught myself staring with my mouth actually open in disgust as she basically forced these people to eat our mediocre dessert.  Gag... they declined again, obviously, and she walked away in defeat as they looked at each other, annoyed. 

Servers, people are not all stupid.  Do not speak to people as though they don't know what they want or like or can afford or can physically eat. 

People, report these jackass servers to their management.  If you feel patronized, annoyed, or just generally disgusted, talk to management.  Not every server in that restaurant will be that way, so instead of swearing off that restaurant, just say no to that server.  

Management, do your guests a favor and get rid of these ridiculous cheeseballs. Being nice is different than talking so slowly and sweetly it makes one want to gag.   

My Nametag is Not a Dog Collar

People, I wear a nametag for legal reasons.  The state says that I have to wear a nametag to serve alcohol.  That does not mean that you need to call it constantly.  Use it to address me, but please don't say my name over and over and over.  It's annoying! How would you like it if I found out your name and said "Hey Mr. Smith! Anything I can get for you Mr. Smith? Would you like some pepper Mr. Smith?" See how annoying that is?!?

Bizarre Phone Call

A woman called the restaurant today and when I answered she told me her story.

CrazyLady: Hello, my name is Mrs. Smith and I was reading online that you have a patio, is that correct?
YourServer: Yes Ma'am that is correct.
CrazyLady: My family and I are in town because my mother is in the hosital.  I have a 16 year old pomeranian that is with us because she is very fragile.  We bring her everywhere with us in a baby carriage.
YourServer: (This is quickly becoming one of the strangest things I have ever heard. Is there a point to this story?)
CrazyLady: What I am wondering is if we can bring her with us to dinner if we sit on the patio. 
YourServer: Well, we can't have dogs on the patio because it is against health code, but there is a grassy lawn very close to the patio, and as long as she stays over there it should be fine.
CrazyLady: She's 16 years old! She can't be by herself, we need to watch her!
YourServer: (This is a dog we're talking about right? What the hell?) Well, I'm sorry Ma'am it really isn't my choice.  It's against health code.
CrazyLady: Well that's just ridiculous! (Hangs up on me)

Sunshine up My Ass Doesn't Pay the Bills... Verbal Tips do NOT Equal Real Tips

People, let me break it down for you. It varies by restaurant and state, but this is generally the gist anywhere. In Utah and a few other states, servers make $2.13 an hour which usually covers taxes. Say you have five tables in one night, all within the same two hours, but you were in the restaurant clocked in for five hours. If they each spend fifty dollars and they all leave you twenty percent, ten dollars, you have made fifty dollars in two hours! Awesome, does that mean that servers make twenty-five dollars an hour? No. This means that for the whole night, they've made fifty dollars in five hours, which is ten dollars an hour. That's not bad, but it's not consistent either.
Also, servers tip out bussers, expediters (who organize food and send it out to tables), food runners, bartenders, and sometimes hosts. After tip out, you would be lucky to leave with forty dollars of that fifty. That's down to eight dollars an hour. That's not great. Would you be stoked with eight dollars an hour? Also, what if one of those tables was like that acquaintance of mine and thought they'd just leave you five instead of ten because they're cheap? You're down to thirty-five now, which is seven per hour. That's nothing to write home about.

Say that all of those tables gave you a verbal tip and said "wow you were so great tonight, this has been such a special experience! You are so great!" then left you ten per cent.  $3.50 an hour.  Seriously, ten percent does not say "you did a great job", ten percent says, "you suck and we're never coming here again because the food and the service were awful".  I would rather have Saddam Hussein sit at my table and be a total jackass to me all night and leave me a fat tip than have some sweet old grandma press a sweaty one dollar bill into my hand and thank me for making her birthday special.  Sunshine up my ass doesn't pay the bills.  Be an asshole all you want.  Just tip me well. 
Now, I'm not saying you necessarily need to take away from this blog impeccable tipping habits, just as long as you understand how it all works. Also, I agree that a tip is just that, a tip. It should not be required, but appreciated. However, until the great state of Utah makes it law that servers make at least minimum wage, servers will not be happy with less than twenty per cent.

My Happy Reminder

Today I had a table for brunch that reminded me why I left casual dining for fine dining. The guests. They are demanding and rude and put ketchup on everything. They say they have allergies when they just don't like something and make a big deal out of every single thing they order.

When I approach the table one of the women puts up her hand like a stop sign and says, "before you say anything, I have a gluton and a dairy allergy, what can I have on your menu"? (it's your f*ing alllergy, take a look at the menu and you tell me what you can and can't have) I smile and politely reply, listing off a few things and asking her if there is something in particular she would like. She asks me a few specific questions and asks me to ask the chef if there are wheat or dairy in any of the sauces or dishes she asked about. I reply that there aren't, but she insists I ask the chef. (Like I couldn't just walk away, turn around and come right back, repeating exactly what I had just told her).

She sighs and they all order drinks, the girl next to her ordering an Arnold Palmer, "Um do you have, like, lemonade? and like, iced tea? so could you make like, and Arnold Palmer for me? ha ha! Awesome". Isn't it though? So awesome... if only I could get complete satisfaction from lemonade and iced tea mixed together... such bliss.

They all order different drinks, asking if we have refills on Orange Juice (have you ever, EVER, been to a restaurant that refills juice for free? You have to pay for it at Denny's, but not a nice restaurant? Uh yeah...) One guy orders a chocolate mint latte. Ew. I tell him we're out of mint, he seems seriously disappointed. So sad.

They order their food, modifying the shit out of everything. No tomato on this, no sauce on that... a Turkey club with my aioli, no Brie, sub Smoked cheddar, no onion, and bacon on the side... allergy girl's prime rib sandwich with no cheese and no bread (a pile of meat and sauce).

Once their food is out (they've already sent back half of their drinks) they all want sides of ketchup, hot sauce, etc... do they ask for it at the same time? No, no folks that would be too simple. They ask for one thing at a time.

Let me tell you, the only time you asking for no tomato or something on the side is a big deal is if you make it seem like a big deal. Just go ahead and ask for it without a bunch of oh-I'm-such-an-asshole-but-I-really-need-no-onions-on-the-burger bullshit. I don't care why you don't want onions, and I don't think you're an asshole for not liking onions. You only become high maintenance when you harp on it. Believe it or not, there are things I don't like. For instance, I cannot choke down asparagus. I hate it. I would rather get a picture of an asparagus branded on my ass than ever eat one. Not kidding.

The rest of my tables completely suffered because these six people were so ridiculously high maintenance.

I was right, blogging does help with frustration. Ah...