Sunshine up My Ass Doesn't Pay the Bills... Verbal Tips do NOT Equal Real Tips

People, let me break it down for you. It varies by restaurant and state, but this is generally the gist anywhere. In Utah and a few other states, servers make $2.13 an hour which usually covers taxes. Say you have five tables in one night, all within the same two hours, but you were in the restaurant clocked in for five hours. If they each spend fifty dollars and they all leave you twenty percent, ten dollars, you have made fifty dollars in two hours! Awesome, does that mean that servers make twenty-five dollars an hour? No. This means that for the whole night, they've made fifty dollars in five hours, which is ten dollars an hour. That's not bad, but it's not consistent either.
Also, servers tip out bussers, expediters (who organize food and send it out to tables), food runners, bartenders, and sometimes hosts. After tip out, you would be lucky to leave with forty dollars of that fifty. That's down to eight dollars an hour. That's not great. Would you be stoked with eight dollars an hour? Also, what if one of those tables was like that acquaintance of mine and thought they'd just leave you five instead of ten because they're cheap? You're down to thirty-five now, which is seven per hour. That's nothing to write home about.

Say that all of those tables gave you a verbal tip and said "wow you were so great tonight, this has been such a special experience! You are so great!" then left you ten per cent.  $3.50 an hour.  Seriously, ten percent does not say "you did a great job", ten percent says, "you suck and we're never coming here again because the food and the service were awful".  I would rather have Saddam Hussein sit at my table and be a total jackass to me all night and leave me a fat tip than have some sweet old grandma press a sweaty one dollar bill into my hand and thank me for making her birthday special.  Sunshine up my ass doesn't pay the bills.  Be an asshole all you want.  Just tip me well. 
Now, I'm not saying you necessarily need to take away from this blog impeccable tipping habits, just as long as you understand how it all works. Also, I agree that a tip is just that, a tip. It should not be required, but appreciated. However, until the great state of Utah makes it law that servers make at least minimum wage, servers will not be happy with less than twenty per cent.