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Do you have a drink list?
When people ask me for a drink list I like to point to my head and say, "yes I do, what kind of drink would you like?" Inevitably they laugh and say they want "like a fruity drink with rum in it".  Done, I can do that.  However, if you tell a bartender you don't care what kind of drink you get, you might get some fruity ten dollar concoction, but you might get a bud light (another fun joke).  Also, if you say you don't care, you may as well be signing a waiver saying you give up any and all right of disliking or returning said drink.  Don't even try and say you don't like it.  You people are the ones who go on dates and say they don't care what you do then complain the whole time.  Be direct if you give a shit (bigger life lessons here)

What drink do you love to make?
Another favorite question.  The answer my friends would be bottled beer.  Crack it open in two seconds and it's delicious.  Win all the way around.

Can you make me a strong drink? 
Recently I had a bartender friend in my bar ask me for a strong shot.  He should have known better.  He got sailor and 151 mixed together.  If you aren't specific why should I be? He says, "That's the worst thing I've ever had! Next time you're in my bar watch out!"  I said, "Why? I always order what I want." Duh.  Of course I can make you a strong drink.  The real question is if you would like it to taste good or not.

What should I tip you?
My answer to this will always be, "how much do you have?" Don't be a dickhead and ask how much you should tip, because it's not up to me.  I will tell you more than you are comfortable with every single time.  That said, 20% is standard.  And sufficient.  See my post on tipping.  

Reminder: I love my job and most people do not suck.  If, however, you say stupid shit like this to bartenders just stop it right now.

Servant, Server, same thing right?

"Thanks, you're a great servant" says some middle-aged man who must not have been let out of the house in years. 

"Pardon me?" I ask.

"You're a great servant.  Very prompt."

"Uh, thank you. I think you meant to say Server."

"Oh, yeah you know what I meant right?"

Yeah sure, I know you think it is the same thing.  Servant, Server, Slave... Whatever.  You're wife probably waits on you hand and foot at home.  Anything else I can bring you master? Idiot.

People, be precise with your words.  Something that has been lost in today's society is the importance placed on being precise with one's words.  Oi Vey.

"What Time Do You Close?"

Look. If you walk into a restaurant five minutes before close, don't apologize. When you apologize, over and over, you become an asshole.  Don't make me tell you that it is fine that you are going to make me stay at work for another hour.  If the restaurant's doors are open the restaurant is open.   If you care that we are closing in five minutes, then by all means ask what time we are closing, and then leave.  If you ask and I say, "we're open until ten", and it's 9:55 and then you sit down anyway, why did you ask?! ASSHOLE!

Management

So I recently got a job managing a restaurant.  I will tell you what, from the other side, there is a whole new level of bullshit you never get as a server.  Like every server approaching you during a shift and whining that they want to go home, or explaining to someone why if they eat every morsel of food on their plate then say they didn't like it, I will in fact still make them pay for it. 
People, don't insult me.  I can smell you cheap ass-holes a mile away.  If you walk into my restaurant thinking you're going to get something for free, good luck.  I'm a bullshitter and I will call you out. If you eat everything on your plate then complain about it, I will smile sweetly and say, "okay next time I will absolutely have the kitchen recook your burger if it is done incorrectly". If you complain about something minor, then say, "oh its not a big deal" then act appalled when I don't take it off your bill, get a clue.  I'm not running a charity, I'm running a business.  If you care enough to complain, care enough to follow it through.  If you don't want to pay for something, don't eat it, alert the manager that your meal was unsatisfactory, and expect it to come off the ticket.  This is not rocket science.  If you tell me that you are fine, do you want me to badger you into admitting that you hate your pizza? No. You don't. Be honest, communicate openly, and don't make me hold your hand.

So I get that it goes both ways... but we have to be nice to you...

My manager at one of the restaurants I work in recently pulled out this ridiculously long list of things people had written as response to an article about what drives people crazy about servers.  I tried to find the article to post it here, but alas, could not find it.  Ah well, I will keep looking.  On the top of the list were things like: servers who call guests pet names (buddy, sweetie, hun), servers who sit down at the table, and servers who do not write down orders.

I totally agree.  Guests, WHY AREN'T YOU COMPLAINING TO MANAGEMENT ABOUT THESE MORONS?!? I have a server friend who calls middle aged men bud all the time.  She claims people don't seem to mind, but if my Father had a server call him bud in a restaurant, you can bet that would be the last time he would be dining there.

Servers who don't write down orders... good god, how hard is it to find a paper and pen? I went to blue iguana last weekend with my family and the server came back to the table three separate times to ask us, yet again, what we had ordered, which style we wanted, and then apologized because he didn't really know the menu very well because he was just the bartender.  Then why the fuck are you serving tables? I ordered the Burrito Ahogado, chili verde style, and he says, "with chicken or beef?" so I say, "no no, I want it with chili verde", so he says, "oh the chili verde burrito?" so say, "no, the Ahogado burrito with chili verde" to which he replies, "oh yeah okay I think they can do that" and I say, "well it is on the menu with that option, so I hope they can do that".  Uh, when guests are correcting you on the menu that's typically a bad sign.  Maybe read the menu a time or two before approaching a table... just food for thought.  And no, I'm not usually an asshole to servers, but I know what is difficult to do when serving and what is easy.  Knowing the menu is the easy part.  Figure it out y'all.

Oh My God, You're So Funny!!!

People, generally middle-aged men, will tell you the same joke over and over.  It's like they all get together and say, "alright fellas time to drive the young women of this world crazy, here are your lines".

When they walk through the door, "We've got a party of eighty-five coming in."
Usually I give it back to them and say, "oh okay, I think we can fit you out on the patio."
"You have a patio?"
"No, no we dont."
"Oh, well its just the two of us."
"Right this way." Smile

On the menu, we have smothered chicken: "So do you smother the chicken yourself?" AH HAHAHA
      "Yes I do, and I enjoy it" Smile.
Battered Fries: "So do you batter the fries yourself?" AH HAHAHA
      "Everyday.  I just batter the crap out of them" Smile.
Campfire sourdough bread: "Is it really done over a campfire?"
      "Sure is.  We employ boy scouts, and even though it's against the law to make them work that young, we           figure if we don't pay them its not like they're real employees. They're just playing with fire." Smile.

Sometimes they think it is funny and sometimes they look put off.  Here is the thing.  I'm a feisty bitch, and given a chance, I'll take it.  Don't dish it out if you can't take a joke.

Need I remind you? We make 2.13 an hour!

Servers make 2.13 an hour.  That means that you need to make up for our cheap ass employers by tipping us.  20% is a good tip.  15% is okay.  That means to me that I did an okay job but was not very personable.  10% is unacceptable, and anything less is just rude.  Bad service happens.  I know this.  I work with a few bad servers.  However, when a table raves to you about how awesome you are then leaves you 15%, that says one thing.  CHEAP-ASS! Look, you can rave about me all you want, but at the end of the day, I'm concerned about how much money I make.  Would you do your job for three quarters of what you deserve to make just because your boss tells you you're awesome every day? No.  Don't lie to me, you wouldn't do it, and we both know it.  Pony up the dough people.  Servers work really really hard and we have to put with an insane amount of bullshit.  Make it worth our while.